don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
smell my finger.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up