Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.