there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We are all done wearing pants today
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
