Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
