Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
