can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
