Dude my mom stole all your condoms
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
