On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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