What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
