clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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