I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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