The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
