Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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