everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
