when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
