If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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