he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
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Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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