Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
