highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
