i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
