Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
