dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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