This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
