I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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