Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wish I only lived at night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
