You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
