I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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