I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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