My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
