I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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