omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
