Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
