explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
