he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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