I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
