I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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