you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
