Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
