Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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