Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
