The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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