Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
