i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
