She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
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Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.