textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dating After Heartbreak
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that