i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
