Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
