I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
