I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
