we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
there is puke in my bra ... again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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