He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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