You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
