I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
