i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
