gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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