I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
