he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
