you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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